Better To Burn Than To Fade Away
by this-book-has-been-loved
Summary: In which Keith feels like an outsider in his own home. Part 1 takes place towards the beginning of s4e05; after the plan has been formed but before it's been set in action. Part 2 takes place after the end of s4e06.


It was… _strange_ being back on the castle. That was really the only way to describe it.

When Kolivan docked the Blade of Marmora podship they were using, it was in the main public hangar, instead of one of the Lion's bays. Keith almost corrected him out of instinct. But no—he wasn't here as a Paladin, not anymore. He was just here for a strategy meeting, a diplomatic discussion.

He was a guest in his own home.

He'd spent the entire flight over anxiously trying to imagine how this meeting would go. How would everyone react to seeing him again? Would they be happy to see him? Would they act like nothing had happened? Would they be mad at him?

He hadn't seen seen any of them since he'd left; at least, not in person—because who _hadn't_ seen those Coalition shows?

(Frankly, Keith was glad he hadn't really been around for those. But at the same time, he couldn't help wondering—what would it have been like to be a part of that?)

And while the last time he had seen them had ended on good terms, as they all hugged him and told him they'd miss him, the rejection that he'd felt from them in the days leading up to that had left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Even when he _had_ been a Paladin, he'd never really felt like he fit in with the rest of them. Lance and Hunk and Pidge had been on the same flight sim team, they'd already been working together before Voltron had happened. Those months without Shiro had only further cemented his position as the odd man out, as the loner, as the outsider on his own team.

It was thought like these that had been on his mind in the days leading up to the moment he said he was leaving, and consuming him immediately after as he struggled to stay composed while walking from the bridge back to the podbay, and even still following him in the weeks after.

And it was thoughts like these that were coming back full force now that he was returning to the castle.

Remembering, when Pidge announced that she was leaving, and Keith fought to try to convince her to stay.

When it was Keith's turn to leave, and no one did the same for him.

Logically, of course, he knew that the circumstances surrounding those occasions had been vastly different: if Pidge had left then, the entire operation would have crumbled, and Voltron would never have been able to do anything that they'd done since; Keith, on the other hand, left when there was one Paladin too many, knowing that the team would be able to function without him there, knowing that he'd be able to help more from within the Blade.

But that didn't stop it from hurting.

And it didn't keep his heart from racing in anxiety as Kolivan brought their ship to rest in the castle's hangar.

Shiro met them in the podbay. While initially disappointed that no one else had come to meet them, Keith was relieved that the first person he saw was Shiro.

"Keith," he greeted warmly, holding his arms open. "It's good to see you."

Keith accepted his embrace, relaxing into the hug. "It's good to see you too, Shiro."

He pulled away after a moment, and Shiro shook hands with Kolivan. "Where's everyone else?"

"Bridge," Shiro replied. "Come on. They'll be excited to see you."

Keith's nerves jumped a bit at that, but Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder. "Relax," he said firmly. "You'll be fine."

Keith nodded. "Yeah. I know."

They walked down the halls in silence, and Keith couldn't keep himself from staring. Everything looked exactly the same as it always had, which was to be expected, of course. And yet, despite their familiarity, Keith couldn't help but think they felt different. As if the castle itself couldn't decide whether or not he was welcome back. Keith clenched his hands into fists, then slowly relaxed them.

"Has the rest of the Coalition arrived?" Kolivan asked, breaking the silence."

"Everyone who's coming," Shiro confirmed. "It's just you, and some representatives from Matt's rebel alliance. Everyone else will be contacted via broadcast."

 _That's right_ , Keith remembered. _Matt's back_. He'd heard that in Shiro's initial transmission, though Matt himself hadn't been present for that.

They came upon the doors to the bridge, and Keith braced himself as they slid open.

"Keith!"

A green-and-white blur was racing towards him, pouncing on him and wrapping him in a tight embrace. "We've missed you!" Pidge squealed.

And within a minute, Lance and Hunk were on him as well, shouting his name in excitement.

The butterflies in Keith's stomach started to lessen, and Keith felt himself begin to relax. "Hey, guys," he said as they pulled away. "It's…good to see you."

"Wait, _Keith_?"

At the sound of his name, Keith looked up, locking eyes with someone who looked so much like Pidge it could only be Matt.

" _The_ Keith?" Matt emphasized, his eyes wide, a smile on his face.

"I—" Keith blinked in surprise. "Wait, you know who I am?"

Matt barked a short laugh. "Of course I do, you're Shiro's little brother, right?" He looked over at Shiro. "Man, you didn't tell me _he_ was out here too!"

Shiro chuckled, shrugging. "Didn't really come up, I guess."

Keith was looking between Matt and Shiro in shock. "I…didn't really expect you to remember me."

"Why wouldn't I?" Matt asked, quirking up an eyebrow. "You were, like, Shiro's shadow."

Lance snorted, and Keith shot him a glare. "Sorry, sorry," Lance said, looking extremely not sorry. "I mean, I knew that you two, like, knew each other and all. But _shadow_?"

"Aww," Hunk cooed. "Like a little duckling."

At that, both Lance and Pidge broke into fits of giggles. Even Shiro was biting back a smile, and Matt's grin was only growing.

"Alright," Keith said, turning back towards the door. "I'm leaving again."

"Nooo," Pidge cried, reaching towards him and clinging to his arm, still fighting laughing. "No no no no no, we're just teasing, you dork."

Keith sighed, pulling his arm from her grasp. After a moment, he rolled his eyes, ruffling her hair. "Uh-huh."

"Keith!" Coran called, walking over with a little spring in his step. "Good to have you back! Things certainly haven't been the same without you here."

Allura was only half a step behind him, and she offered Keith a warm smile. "Is everyone here, then?"

Keith straightened, standing tall. "Kolivan and I are here to represent the Blade. We're ready to go."

"Alright, Princess," Shiro announced. "It's time to begin the broadcast."

* * *

Everything was moving so fast; Keith hardly had a chance to pause and process it all.

After the fight for Naxela ended, there was Lotor to deal with. And with those meetings going, between Lotor and Voltron and the Blade and Matt's rebel group, Keith hadn't had a moment to himself just to think.

Everything was moving so _fast_.

It was a while before he finally found a lull in all the excitement of the past day. A moment of respite, headed to the kitchen to grab a snack, allowing himself to breathe again.

It was then, halfway through a plate of food goo, that realization struck—of what had happened, what had _almost_ happened, what he had _almost_ done.

His hand started to shake, and the spoon clattered onto the table.

He had nearly _died_. And dammit, he had been _ready_. He went into that knowing that if he succeeded, he wouldn't be coming back.

Something in his breathing wasn't quite right. His breaths were coming shallowly and rapidly, and his chest had tightened nearly to the point of pain.

A break. He needed a break. He needed to go somewhere where he would be alone, so he could calm down. He stood up, maybe a little too quickly, and was already out the door and running down the hall before he realized he didn't really know where to go. Before, when he needed a break, when he needed a moment to calm his nerves, he'd go spend some time with Red. But now, Red was bonded with Lance, so that was out of the question. He couldn't go to Black's hangar either, for similar reasons.

(And besides, he'd never really felt as comfortable with Black as he had with Red.)

His old room? It was probably just as he'd left it—but it's not like he had decorated much in there at all. If anything, it'd just feel cold an impersonal—a reminder of who he used to be.

No, that wouldn't do.

So he just ran.

When he finally calmed himself down enough to think properly, he found himself on the floor of the lounge, his back leaning against the base of one of the sunken sofas.

Not really the most secluded spot. But enough so that no one else had bothered him.

Keith took a deep breath, leaning his head back and slowly stretching out his legs. "Okay," he rasped, his voice coming in a hoarse whisper. "I'm okay."

Then he heard footsteps.

Keith bit back a groan as a figure rounded the sofas to stand before him, then dropped into a crouch. Keith glanced up, meeting the concerned eyes of Matthew Holt. "Hey, Keith?" Matt said, his eyebrows furrowing. "Ya got a moment?"

Keith pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Yeah," he muttered. "What's up?"

"Are you okay?" A brief pause. "No, scratch that, stupid question, you're clearly not okay." Matt settled himself onto the floor, sitting about a foot away from Keith. "You wanna talk about what happened?"

"Not really."

"That was quite the stunt you pulled there," Matt continued, the look of concern still stubbornly present on his face. "If the rest of them found out—"

"But they're not going to find out," Keith snapped. "I'm not telling them. What am I supposed to say, just _'Hey guys, nearly killed myself today in a stupid attempt to take down those shields'_ —"

"Why?" Matt interrupted.

Keith paused, his anger dissipating. "What?"

"Why did you do that?"

Keith stared at him incredulously. "It was all I could think of," he said finally. "The only thing I could think of to do to get those shields down. I needed to save them."

"So you weighed their lives against your own?" Matt's voice was gentle and patient, calm, betraying no emotion.

"I—" Keith broke off, then sighed. "I'm not one of them anymore. I'm not a Paladin. They don't need me to fly the lions. They don't need me to form Voltron. So yes. Their lives were more important than mine."

"And how do you think they'd have felt, if you had gone through with that?"

"I…I don't know." He was running on empty, and his thoughts were still too much of a jumbled mess for him to make proper sense of it all. He sighed roughly. "Look. It's over. It didn't happen. And everything's fine."

" _You're_ definitely not fine," Matt countered.

"And who are you to decide that?" Keith shot back.

Matt raised an eyebrow. "How about the older brother of someone who really cares about you?"

Keith started to deflate.

"Or the close friend of your own older brother?" Matt added, and Keith only shrunk in on himself more. "Or just someone who's concerned for the emotional well-being of his friend and teammate?"

"I get it," Keith muttered.

Matt sighed. "Look, Keith. You may not realize it, but you are really damn important to this team. You're no more expendable than the rest of them. And if they were here, they'd be saying the same thing."

"But—"

"But you're not a Paladin," Matt finished. "So what? That doesn't make you any less valuable." He reached out hesitantly, then seemed to think better of it, pulling his hand back. "I've barely been here a couple days, and I can clearly see how much you mean to them. They'd be devastated if they lost you."

Keith was silent, taking in what Matt was saying, letting his mind run over it.

After a long moment, Matt sighed. "Just. Think about what I said, okay? You don't have to tell the rest of them what happened, but I really think you should." He patted Keith's knee, then stood up. "Rest for a bit. Come find us when you're ready." And with that, he walked out of the lounge, leaving Keith to stare out the window at the stars by himself.

He waited a few minutes, making sure that his breathing was even, that his eyes were dry, that he wasn't shaking. Then he slowly let out a deep breath and pulled himself to a stand.

"Okay," he murmured. "Let's go find the rest of the team."

* * *

 **AN:**

Hey guys, happy Halloween Eve.  
Or, I guess since it's like 3am for me, it's like actually Halloween now, aha  
Sorry this is so late. I got distracted by homework and also InkTober  
This is my first time ever writing from Keith's POV? I don't write enough with him, and that upsets me.  
(You know what else upsets me? This guy. I'm in pain. So I wrote this. Which didn't really help with the pain, tbh)  
Come say hi to me on Tumblr! My url is this-book-has-been-loved. Or join that Platonic VLD Discord server ( invite code is NHYrCz5)! It's fun!  
See you guys tomorrow  
~Brigit


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